3 Fingered Mailbag

Though my memory has a second-sight
I'm not one to go pointing my finger

NP -1989

In my head all I hear is Andy Williams.  This is "The Most Wonderful Time of the Year".  No, this is not a ode to the various fantasy baseball league of dorks we are all in and I will dominate like usual.  No it's not a call out to the idiots who absolutely have a slight dusting sitting at the North windy confines  of Wrigley in early April.  I can't believe I'm saying this, but I got me a Tebowner for:

  

That's right it's THE MASTERS! You ask what 3 Finger really believes in, this is it.  I believe in the ghost winds blowing through the Georgia pines.  I believe in pressure packed putts pulsating across ridiculous greens that defy gravity, and I believe in the roars echoing off the patrons when a world elite is making a charge on the back nine.  If you want to believe a higher power exists, then I will tell you he blessed Alister MacKenzie in January '33.

I am so excited, I already forgot that I have to sell a child to participate in the annual Masters Pool. 

Since I will be peeing Green for the next 4 days and going into my special "Masters Watching Bunker" I better clean out the mailbag!  So you asked for it, accept it, love it, live it, but most importantly for my kids college fund share it so I build up my Klout score!

As always these are actual questions from actual readers.

Q: What exactly is the 3 fingered treatment? ---White Pants, Crown Point, IN

A: This is a tough one, as in some countries it is considered illegal and there may or may not be a warrant out for my arrest.  But I can tell you this, once you've been 3 fingered you will never be the same.  Food will taste better, you will see colors that don't exist in ROYGBIV, and even time will stop.  Would I lie, ask Takei!

Q: If it really is survival of the fittest who would be left? --- Rain Boobs, Chitown, Il

A: The Mayans is the easy answer of course, after all this blog has exactly 8 months left.  But I feel more confident in this answer:

Q: U...R....el? --- Social Media Specialist, Winfield, IN

A:  What you got there a little Universal Resource Locator, a little uh place for content, and little click here or there for naked women, uh ah couple of links for pointless drivel about random nothingness, a place for videos that tell a story, is that what we go, hmmm, a little fun time, hmm?  Fuck it, I bet it's just the secret ingredient in the Pink Taco.

Q: How long can you continuously eat Blue Cheese Crumbles? --- Cambell and Ewald, Highland, IN

A: I don't know but this is freaking intoxicating:

 And a 3 peat from an angry German propaganda minister, Brussels, Dusseldorf

Q: 1. Why do they call it taking a dump? Shouldn't it be leaving a dump? 

2. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? 

3. If a cat always lands on its feet, and buttered bread always lands butter side down, what would happen if you tied buttered bread on top of a cat?

 

A: 1. Excellent point, however, I prefer to use childish statements like "Anal Puking", "Blowing Mud", "Conducting a Movement", "Disemfibering", "Floating one for the Gipper", "Greeting Mr. Hankey", "Heaving a Havana", "Losing some weight the quick way", "Making a grunt sculpture", "Negotiating the release of the chocolate hostages", "Offloading some freight", "Polluting the pond", "Reversing a Ho-Ho", "Sinking the Bismark", and "Updating the captains log"!

2.  German moron's are my favorite:

 

  

3.  Can't believe this is going on my blog

That was tough... start thinking of questions for our next installment soon!  

I know, I know, I can't end this without picking a winner, so here you go: Tiger in a playoff with Peter Hanson.

Good night and Good luck, 

3 Fingers

3 Fingers Mega Win

Well, I know what I am
Rock and roll-in's a scream, makin' millions my dream
Well, I do that a lot
I'll just give it a try, won't let good times pass me by
They're all I've got

NP 1974

By the time many of you will read this I will have already disappeared with my MEGA millions. After I give the thieving bastards in Indy and DC their cut, and place the winnings in an annuity getting around 3% interest, I will have close to $30,000 a day for the rest of my life, and that doesn't even touch the principal. So long suckers, I'm out!   

A bit harsh yes, but its fun thinking of all the ways you could spend that money.  Without a doubt your entire life would change and it would absolutely have to, and maybe not even for the best (haaa who am I kidding, I will shit on a golden throne!)

Like many of us, I spent way too much time today trying to figure out exactly how life would change, and more importantly the exact steps I would have to take even before I collected and started spending. Since I will be winning, this is how its going down. (Special thanks to David Lee Roth for the one idea).

10:01 - Bgirl tripped on the stairs as Mrs. Anub screamed to get a towel to wipe up the pee puddle left on floor as the numbers on the TV match the ticket!

10:03 - after a minute of silence, we rewind the TV to verify the numbers.  Car keys are grabbed. Before I go, Mrs. Anub and I have a knowing glance of "look both of us just got extremely good looking, so should we just split it now and move on or...."

10:45 - hands shaking, pull into Meijer parking lot.

10:52 - look at poor snaggle toothed cashier as I pay for a safe.

11:18 - placed signed ticket (after making multiple copies) into safe.

11:22 - Make the only call I would make, and the only person outside of Mrs. Anub who will know until the press conference.  Buy said trustee a plane ticket to Chicago for the morning, hire a limo to pick him up and immediately start a plan on how to protect and manage the money from day 1. Suffice it to say he and his family will never have to work again.

11:24-  7:00AM - sit and stare at safe and become extremely paranoid. Scream and slap at anyone who even breathes around the safe.  Start an immediate inventory of which police officer and lawyer I could trust. Find out how to how to hire an armored vehicle for the drive to Indy to collect.

So besides the obvious, pay off all blood relatives debt,set up trust funds for kids, buy into a gated community, golf membership, private travel, house in London, vacation home in Portugal, lots of charity...

What the heck could you spend all that money on?  Since I already won, considered these as done!

1. Launch 3 Fingers and Nub foundation (The Human Fund) for the fingerly challenged.

2. Hire a personal organ donor.  He will be paid handsomely to be super healthy, and when I am     ready he must donate his liver and kidney to me. 

3. Buy a seat on the rope line on every hole on the back nine at Augusta for life.

4. Private 40th bday party, with Canadian musical entertainment.

5. Hire Brian Cranston to hang out with me dressed exclusively as Heisenberg.

That will get me started.  What say you faithful readers?  How will you spend it?

Seriously you would have to be the dumbest person alive to blow that kind of cash.  If you are smart, and not an Ed Hardy tee shirt wearing douche you should set up your family for generations to come.  

So love to all, but after I win tonight I will never talk to any of you again!

Good night and good luck, 

3 Fingers

Gassy Bells

Sadder still to watch it die
Than never to have known it
For you - the blind who once could see -
The bell tolls for thee...

NP - 1982

I promised that this blog would put random to shame.  So here it is, a quicky about my life as the mad English Handbell afficianado!  That's right this guy not only likes handbell music, I have played off an on for 33 years.  In fact in High School, I was part of a handbell legacy. 

 So how does a 3 fingered person play bells?

 

 With a 3 fingered glove of course!

 

I have watched 2 basketball games all year Valpo - Butler, and Valpo-Detroit.  So these Final 4 picks are golden!

North Carolina, Missouri, Wichita State, Ohio State.... BOOK IT!



I said in my very first post I would not be too political... but I am sick and effing tired of politicians being blamed for high gas prices.  Please child, politicians know one thing, how to get elected!

Vote Anub 2012!

Again, I am not taking a side, I am just don't blame a politician for gas prices

We all hate the sticker shock of $75 -$100 to fill up so you and little Johnny can get to soccer practice.  But I swear the Repub's have distributed the memo to ensure that every conservative talk show host focuses on gas prices being Obama's fault. I swear I paid over $4 when Bush was in office, but I am sure that I must be dreaming. 

Two words for you:  OIL SPECULATION.  Politicians are not smart enough to speculate.  Don't know who Koch is... figure it out...  and wonder why the Repubs are blaming Obama. 

Loyal Reader JR sent this in:
 From  http://thinkprogress.org/economy/2011/04/13/153206/koch-industries-price-gouging/?mobile=nc
 
However, market fundamentals are not driving the nearly $4.00/gallon gas prices. In fact, under the Obama administration, oil production is at record highs and there is adequate global supply of crude. As Commodity Futures Trading Commission (CFTC) commissioner Bart Chilton has explained, rampant oil speculation, which is at its highest level on record right now, is to blame for current prices. 

As a recent Center for Public Integrity report uncovered, Koch lobbied aggressively against Obama’s financial reform bill, particularly on provisions related to transparency in the energy trading market. Is Koch again buying up supply in expectation of higher crude prices during the summer or beyond — as many analysts have predicted? No one knows, especially when the energy speculation and trading industry currently operates with virtually no regulation.

They gamble, they win, you lose. 


Best wishes of health to my German Project Manager,

Good day, and go pump some gas.

3 Fingers

My favorite email

I get so angry, but I keep my mouth shut
And turn it up!

NP-1993

I found this wonderful email smack down of what seems to be a rogue media vendor.  I don't know the companies involved, but I am proud of whoever wrote this.   All names and certain items are edited to protect the innocent.  

This is the definitive of how you smack down a vendor:

Guy with extremely bad reputation,

It amazes me that you and presumably your attorney would put in so much time getting approval from  huge national company that has more lawyers per square inch then Holland, Mi has churches on this usage of their name and not consider that it might be helpful to at some point have confirmation of that approval in writing.  Unfortunately, your actions over the past couple months have proven to me that I cannot trust you at your word.  I do not intend to contact your attorney, and I will not tell you again that his opinions hold no value to anyone. It is not your company that is responding to constant complaints regarding this shady advertising method,  it is not you who are dealing with consumers upset that your shady advertising method is nowhere close to the value of the incentive being given, and it is not your company dealing with guys who have just love to bury you in legal paperwork.  Until you start taking real responsibility for what you encourage to put in these shady advertising methods, I have no interest in these "discussions" with you beyond your sending me a proof, my marking it up, you sending a final draft to me for approval and my being able to see EVERY version of your shady advertising method that you send out on behalf of one said company from now until you are no longer doing business with anyone.

A few things that are specifically on my mind at this moment:

1) I do not appreciate the fact that yesterday you submitted a sample for review which is nowhere near the compliant sample we worked to develop.  You are wasting my time by continuing to use shady advertising methods that don't even meet the minimum disclosure standards and if I have to continue making the same changes to these shady advertising methods I will recommend to our executive staff that another stop it or or my mom will shoot notices goes out immediately. 

2) If I EVER see another shady advertisement method that states a value higher than what you would pay for a nice dinner with your sweety, said company will hold you personally responsible for any complaints we receive from the consumer.  I suggest you get your staff working on this change immediately for the shady advertising methods you will no doubt be putting out next Monday.  If said company wants you to put something higher than the value of a nice dinner with your sweety, then you can direct them to me and tell them to have all other details ready before they call. 

3) In our meeting, we specifically addressed the fact that the said company is not the enemy and that we are doing what we have to do to protect the businesses of said company while at the same time working our tails off to ensure we remain profitable.  Do not paint me as a "hero" for approving a shady advertising piece that does not pass our legal standards, while subtly suggesting that I am a villain if I make any changes to it.  I will consider myself a hero when said company no longer feel the need to use a shady advertising method. 

4) Also at our meeting, we made two requests of you - one to provide an excel spreadsheet, with several columns of information regarding said company using your service and the other to let me see every shady advertising method starting now.  You have done neither.  You copied and pasted some information in to an e-mail regarding said company, but it is incomplete and does us little good since it is in this format and you provided a weak excuse for why you couldn't let me see every shady advertising method that went out.  If we do not receive the requested spreadsheet by the end of this week and I do not have access to every shady advertising method that goes out next week, you can consider your business with said company over permanently. 

Your reputation precedes you, guy with incredibly bad reputation.  We have educated ourselves on your background, on the complaints flying around the internet regarding the shady advertising method you so proudly use (with a disclaimer to your client that you have no responsibility for what is on them), and on your own legal history as well as that of some of your clients.  Said company prides itself on working with "best-in-class" partners in every aspect of our business.  You are not living up to that standard and we question whether you have the ability to change.  Prove us wrong. 

Respectfully,

My hero

Good work faceless internet hero, and good day,

3 Fingers

12.5 seconds of Terror, THE OCTAGON

The menace threatens, closing
And I'm frozen in the shadows
I'm not prepared to run away
And I'm not prepared to fight

NP-2002

I have a certain disdain for the stupefyingly popular MMA. I openly admit I don't know much about the "sport", I have never intentionally watched it, and without fail I certainly cast quick judgement on any douche wearing an 'Affliction' t-shirt.  I do know one thing; if I walked through that chain linked cage door I would pee in my shorts, and want my mommy.

There in lies the question, exactly how long would it take 3 Fingers to 'tap out' inside the Octagon?  This burning question spurned a solid hour long bar debate last night, and had the wings we ate not inflicted (or is that afflicted?) such horrible dupa smells we might of solved it. 

Hey Tina Whigam I'm gonna eat ya!

 Double Douche

After a few horrifying run through the horse brews, we set the over-under at 12.5 seconds. 

Your loyal author of this blog is 5'6" 160 Lbs.  So that means I am short and a bit doughy. Could I possibly run around for 12.2 seconds?  This is based on the assumption that when caught I would tap out in .3 seconds.  Could I elude the piece of re-bar in shorts before he put me in the "Japanese Backpack".

I thought about this all night. I got to think that I could zig, zag, jump, duck, bob, weave, hit him with a 3 fingered nub rub, and donkey punch my way to safety for at least 12.5 seconds.

And then I did some research.  I'm screwed.

Watch this:

While that took 51 seconds, is there any doubt he could do that to me in less than 12.5?  Let alone the 100 vids I saw with knockouts in 1 punch and in less than 8 seconds. I  think I'll  take my pee stained shorts and go back to my cubicle.  Jesus, that is simply brucious!

What say you faithful readers? 

What about this one? Start in row 5 at Daytona and not crash in 12.5 seconds? That will have to wait.  I'll challenge Dlee to guest blog about it.



Good luck, good night, and don't get in the Octagon!

3 Fingers

 

A 3 Fingered Salute to President's Day

I'm old enough not to care too much
About what you think of me
But I'm young enough to remember the future

NP-1993

 "My grandfather was born the day after Washington took office"

 

I woke this morning to my favorite little bow tied host and his fantastic bow tied reporter Mo Rocca.  Mo was doing his typical quirky 'slice of life' type piece.  This time it was a look at the Presidents we will not be celebrating tomorrow, or for that matter we routinely skip over in our history books.

But that wasn't the interesting part, he interviewed Harrison Ruffin Tyler who is the living grandson (not great- or great-great) of President John Tyler.  President John Tyler who served from 1841-1845 and who was born in 1790!! 

Behold a list of things from 1790:

* The US Patent system was created -first one was for Potash.  Look up it, I'm not your Wikibitch

* The initial list of the 31 chemical elements was named.   200 years later 3 Finger didn't know any of them when he was facing his NYS Regents exam and was forced to cheat, thanks 1790

* There were only 13 states. All of which have seen a smiling 3 Fingers enter and exit a restroom.

* There were just under 4 million residents, 222 yrs later there are 311 million.  Bottom line we like getting it on.

* John Tyler our 10th President was born.  - He was dubbed the "Accidency", interestingly that is what 97% of kids from sports stars are dubbed.

John Tyler was our most prolific president as he sired a whopping 15 children (and might even know all their names). Even Cromartie would be impressed by that. In my era, I thought maybe that salty dog Bill Clinton would top him (he ickly might have).  However, Clinton has Tyler to thank for introducing impeachment into our vernacular, as Tyler was the first President to have impeachment proceedings against him.

Back to our story, one of Tyler's kids, Lyon Tyler was born when Tyler at age 63 impregnated his wife whom was only 33.  Gold Digger!  Can you imagine that today, TMZ might explode.  Oh please elect Newt and let it happen!  

The more amazing part, is that Lyon Tyler sired a kid when he was 73! So Harrison Ruffin Tyler now 84 is the living grandson to President Tyler who was born in 1790.  Holy Crapola.  Both my parents were born to older parents so my grandfather today would be 108 years old.  Harrison Tyler's Grandpa, pop-pop, papa, what ever he would have called him, would be 222!  

THINK ABOUT THAT!!!  Good work old people, get it on!!!!

Randomness

Again I defer to JR for his unique brand of humor

I leave you with this, good night, good day, and go go Maniax!  I got a feeling GMAN is scoring today!

3 Fingers!

Winner Winner Chicken Dinner

Thursday night at the Crown = no Anub to stop me from taking over the blog tonight.  The results have been carefully tabulated and the “winner” is JR with 11 correct!!  He did have an advantage on questions 5 & 6 since he was our roommate at the time, plus the poor guy has known Anub longer than I have. 

Great effort by SIMH with 9 correct and by White Chocolate with 8 (good luck with your new job).  And Mr. Press got two out of the three he bothered to answer correct, nice minimal effort! 

The correct answers are….

Part 1, Multiple Choice

1.       As a child he broke his leg doing which of the following:

A.      Sliding into home base and colliding with the catcher.

B.      Biking too fast downhill and getting his leg caught up in the spokes.  I've seen the hill.  The mom in me cringes just thinking about it.  

C.      Skiing + tree = ouch.

D.      Wrestling with his sister.

2.       If he was to overhear someone say Mondo sucks as a designer her would:

A.      Ignore it, who the hell is Mondo?

B.      Disagree and point out how great Mondo is with prints.

C.      Pretend to ignore it, but on the inside curse that bitch who won instead of Mondo.

D.      Think about how he misses Tim and Heidi on All Stars this season. This was a close one with C, but really I think we all miss Tim and Heidi this season.  I haven't even bothered to learn the name of the new host. And Mondo is still in it!

 

3.       Which of the following swill would he find least objectionable:

A.      Miller Lite  I gave JR a half point on this one for pointing out that they all pretty much suck. 

B.       Bud Light

C.       Corona

D.      Busch

4.       Thanks to Netflix, he has watched every available episode of which of the following television series twice… and he thinks the kids watch too much TV:

A.      30 Rock

B.      The Wire  One of the best series ever.  The second time through he convinced me to watch it, too.  Don't f$&% with Omar.

C.      Breaking Bad

D.      Arrested Development

5.       Ever the romantic, he proposed:

A.      At a Yankee game

B.      At a Rush concert

C.      In our basement  To his credit it was actually a perfect proposal.

D.      Drunk in a bar

6.       Which of these teams almost ruined our wedding:

A.      The Yankees  October 26, 1996 the Yankees win game 6 and clinch their first World Series since 1978.  October 27th, 1996 was our wedding day.  Game 7 would have been during our reception.  In the stone age before smart phones they pretty much ruined the rehearsal dinner though.

B.      The Jets

C.      The Knicks

D.      The Blackhawks

7.       In his travels he has had numerous random celebrity encounters/sightings, which of these is not one of them:

A.      MC Hammer San Diego, behind the velvet rope, Hammertime

B.      Bill Cosby  Vienna, he was on location filming a movie no one saw

C.      Fred Savage  Never happened, but pics of young Anub remind me of Kevin Arnold

D.      The Hoff  Las Vegas, in the airport the day after he was voted off DWTS

E.       John F Kennedy, Jr.  Newark airport, John John in a rumpled suit and baseball cap threw away a tray of food right next to us. *sigh*

8.       He pretends to loathe celebrity news and gossip, but reads what magazine on a regular basis:

A.      People

B.      Entertainment Weekly  He even downloaded the EW app but God forbid anyone mention Brad Pitt in his presence.

C.      Us Weekly

D.      In Touch

9.       This chokes him up every time:

A.      Anyone sinking a putt on 18 to win  Every time.

B.      Golfer hugging his dad on 18 at the US Open  Literally EVERY time

C.      Yankees winning the World Series  Still, every time.

D.      F*@%# Sanchez and the f*@%# Jets losing in the f*@%# AFC Championship game two f*@%# years in a row and then not even making the f*@%# playoffs the following f*@%# year.   F*@%# Brady.  Crying on the inside.

E.       A, B & C.  D just f*@%# pisses him off. 

Part 2, True or False

10.   He would rather watch an episode of Downton Abbey than go grocery shopping.  FALSE.  JR got a bonus 1/2 pt for having the insight to know that this was a close one.  These are almost equally abhorrent to Anub, but he really can't handle British accents and period costumes at the same time.

11.   His 6 year old son knows more about doing laundry than he does. TRUE. Not even close.

 

12.   He never gets flustered ordering at the drive thru.  FALSE.  Nothing puts him in a panic more than having to order at the drive thru.  He stutters, his voice cracks, he says the menu item in a way that the poor person making minimum wage taking the order has to translate and repeat it back several times... and never, ever ask him to add something at the last second. 

 

13.   He thinks knitting is for old ladies.  TRUE.  Apprently spending countless hours on fantasy football, surfing the internet for every Rush-related bit of minutia available, watching TV series after TV series (some of the twice!) at all hours of the night on Netflix, and spending entire days golfing are all fine and valuable ways to spend your time.  You don't see me complain.  But I decide to multi-task and make something useful like a blanket or scarf while we're watching a TV show and I get the old lady comment. Yuuuuup.

14.   The Harry Potter books are for kids.  FALSE.  Before Order of the Phoenix came out this would have been true, but he lost a bet to me and had to read the books.  Now he gets it.

 

15.   Not only does he think the glass is half empty, but that someone probably spit in it, too.  100% TRUE.  And pissed in it, yes. 

16.   Pineapple has no business on a pizza.  TRUE. I disagree but to each his own.

 __________________________________________________________

      And I still love her, good night,

   

   3 Fingers