12.5 seconds of Terror, THE OCTAGON

The menace threatens, closing
And I'm frozen in the shadows
I'm not prepared to run away
And I'm not prepared to fight

NP-2002

I have a certain disdain for the stupefyingly popular MMA. I openly admit I don't know much about the "sport", I have never intentionally watched it, and without fail I certainly cast quick judgement on any douche wearing an 'Affliction' t-shirt.  I do know one thing; if I walked through that chain linked cage door I would pee in my shorts, and want my mommy.

There in lies the question, exactly how long would it take 3 Fingers to 'tap out' inside the Octagon?  This burning question spurned a solid hour long bar debate last night, and had the wings we ate not inflicted (or is that afflicted?) such horrible dupa smells we might of solved it. 

Hey Tina Whigam I'm gonna eat ya!

 Double Douche

After a few horrifying run through the horse brews, we set the over-under at 12.5 seconds. 

Your loyal author of this blog is 5'6" 160 Lbs.  So that means I am short and a bit doughy. Could I possibly run around for 12.2 seconds?  This is based on the assumption that when caught I would tap out in .3 seconds.  Could I elude the piece of re-bar in shorts before he put me in the "Japanese Backpack".

I thought about this all night. I got to think that I could zig, zag, jump, duck, bob, weave, hit him with a 3 fingered nub rub, and donkey punch my way to safety for at least 12.5 seconds.

And then I did some research.  I'm screwed.

Watch this:

While that took 51 seconds, is there any doubt he could do that to me in less than 12.5?  Let alone the 100 vids I saw with knockouts in 1 punch and in less than 8 seconds. I  think I'll  take my pee stained shorts and go back to my cubicle.  Jesus, that is simply brucious!

What say you faithful readers? 

What about this one? Start in row 5 at Daytona and not crash in 12.5 seconds? That will have to wait.  I'll challenge Dlee to guest blog about it.



Good luck, good night, and don't get in the Octagon!

3 Fingers

 

A 3 Fingered Salute to President's Day

I'm old enough not to care too much
About what you think of me
But I'm young enough to remember the future

NP-1993

 "My grandfather was born the day after Washington took office"

 

I woke this morning to my favorite little bow tied host and his fantastic bow tied reporter Mo Rocca.  Mo was doing his typical quirky 'slice of life' type piece.  This time it was a look at the Presidents we will not be celebrating tomorrow, or for that matter we routinely skip over in our history books.

But that wasn't the interesting part, he interviewed Harrison Ruffin Tyler who is the living grandson (not great- or great-great) of President John Tyler.  President John Tyler who served from 1841-1845 and who was born in 1790!! 

Behold a list of things from 1790:

* The US Patent system was created -first one was for Potash.  Look up it, I'm not your Wikibitch

* The initial list of the 31 chemical elements was named.   200 years later 3 Finger didn't know any of them when he was facing his NYS Regents exam and was forced to cheat, thanks 1790

* There were only 13 states. All of which have seen a smiling 3 Fingers enter and exit a restroom.

* There were just under 4 million residents, 222 yrs later there are 311 million.  Bottom line we like getting it on.

* John Tyler our 10th President was born.  - He was dubbed the "Accidency", interestingly that is what 97% of kids from sports stars are dubbed.

John Tyler was our most prolific president as he sired a whopping 15 children (and might even know all their names). Even Cromartie would be impressed by that. In my era, I thought maybe that salty dog Bill Clinton would top him (he ickly might have).  However, Clinton has Tyler to thank for introducing impeachment into our vernacular, as Tyler was the first President to have impeachment proceedings against him.

Back to our story, one of Tyler's kids, Lyon Tyler was born when Tyler at age 63 impregnated his wife whom was only 33.  Gold Digger!  Can you imagine that today, TMZ might explode.  Oh please elect Newt and let it happen!  

The more amazing part, is that Lyon Tyler sired a kid when he was 73! So Harrison Ruffin Tyler now 84 is the living grandson to President Tyler who was born in 1790.  Holy Crapola.  Both my parents were born to older parents so my grandfather today would be 108 years old.  Harrison Tyler's Grandpa, pop-pop, papa, what ever he would have called him, would be 222!  

THINK ABOUT THAT!!!  Good work old people, get it on!!!!

Randomness

Again I defer to JR for his unique brand of humor

I leave you with this, good night, good day, and go go Maniax!  I got a feeling GMAN is scoring today!

3 Fingers!

Winner Winner Chicken Dinner

Thursday night at the Crown = no Anub to stop me from taking over the blog tonight.  The results have been carefully tabulated and the “winner” is JR with 11 correct!!  He did have an advantage on questions 5 & 6 since he was our roommate at the time, plus the poor guy has known Anub longer than I have. 

Great effort by SIMH with 9 correct and by White Chocolate with 8 (good luck with your new job).  And Mr. Press got two out of the three he bothered to answer correct, nice minimal effort! 

The correct answers are….

Part 1, Multiple Choice

1.       As a child he broke his leg doing which of the following:

A.      Sliding into home base and colliding with the catcher.

B.      Biking too fast downhill and getting his leg caught up in the spokes.  I've seen the hill.  The mom in me cringes just thinking about it.  

C.      Skiing + tree = ouch.

D.      Wrestling with his sister.

2.       If he was to overhear someone say Mondo sucks as a designer her would:

A.      Ignore it, who the hell is Mondo?

B.      Disagree and point out how great Mondo is with prints.

C.      Pretend to ignore it, but on the inside curse that bitch who won instead of Mondo.

D.      Think about how he misses Tim and Heidi on All Stars this season. This was a close one with C, but really I think we all miss Tim and Heidi this season.  I haven't even bothered to learn the name of the new host. And Mondo is still in it!

 

3.       Which of the following swill would he find least objectionable:

A.      Miller Lite  I gave JR a half point on this one for pointing out that they all pretty much suck. 

B.       Bud Light

C.       Corona

D.      Busch

4.       Thanks to Netflix, he has watched every available episode of which of the following television series twice… and he thinks the kids watch too much TV:

A.      30 Rock

B.      The Wire  One of the best series ever.  The second time through he convinced me to watch it, too.  Don't f$&% with Omar.

C.      Breaking Bad

D.      Arrested Development

5.       Ever the romantic, he proposed:

A.      At a Yankee game

B.      At a Rush concert

C.      In our basement  To his credit it was actually a perfect proposal.

D.      Drunk in a bar

6.       Which of these teams almost ruined our wedding:

A.      The Yankees  October 26, 1996 the Yankees win game 6 and clinch their first World Series since 1978.  October 27th, 1996 was our wedding day.  Game 7 would have been during our reception.  In the stone age before smart phones they pretty much ruined the rehearsal dinner though.

B.      The Jets

C.      The Knicks

D.      The Blackhawks

7.       In his travels he has had numerous random celebrity encounters/sightings, which of these is not one of them:

A.      MC Hammer San Diego, behind the velvet rope, Hammertime

B.      Bill Cosby  Vienna, he was on location filming a movie no one saw

C.      Fred Savage  Never happened, but pics of young Anub remind me of Kevin Arnold

D.      The Hoff  Las Vegas, in the airport the day after he was voted off DWTS

E.       John F Kennedy, Jr.  Newark airport, John John in a rumpled suit and baseball cap threw away a tray of food right next to us. *sigh*

8.       He pretends to loathe celebrity news and gossip, but reads what magazine on a regular basis:

A.      People

B.      Entertainment Weekly  He even downloaded the EW app but God forbid anyone mention Brad Pitt in his presence.

C.      Us Weekly

D.      In Touch

9.       This chokes him up every time:

A.      Anyone sinking a putt on 18 to win  Every time.

B.      Golfer hugging his dad on 18 at the US Open  Literally EVERY time

C.      Yankees winning the World Series  Still, every time.

D.      F*@%# Sanchez and the f*@%# Jets losing in the f*@%# AFC Championship game two f*@%# years in a row and then not even making the f*@%# playoffs the following f*@%# year.   F*@%# Brady.  Crying on the inside.

E.       A, B & C.  D just f*@%# pisses him off. 

Part 2, True or False

10.   He would rather watch an episode of Downton Abbey than go grocery shopping.  FALSE.  JR got a bonus 1/2 pt for having the insight to know that this was a close one.  These are almost equally abhorrent to Anub, but he really can't handle British accents and period costumes at the same time.

11.   His 6 year old son knows more about doing laundry than he does. TRUE. Not even close.

 

12.   He never gets flustered ordering at the drive thru.  FALSE.  Nothing puts him in a panic more than having to order at the drive thru.  He stutters, his voice cracks, he says the menu item in a way that the poor person making minimum wage taking the order has to translate and repeat it back several times... and never, ever ask him to add something at the last second. 

 

13.   He thinks knitting is for old ladies.  TRUE.  Apprently spending countless hours on fantasy football, surfing the internet for every Rush-related bit of minutia available, watching TV series after TV series (some of the twice!) at all hours of the night on Netflix, and spending entire days golfing are all fine and valuable ways to spend your time.  You don't see me complain.  But I decide to multi-task and make something useful like a blanket or scarf while we're watching a TV show and I get the old lady comment. Yuuuuup.

14.   The Harry Potter books are for kids.  FALSE.  Before Order of the Phoenix came out this would have been true, but he lost a bet to me and had to read the books.  Now he gets it.

 

15.   Not only does he think the glass is half empty, but that someone probably spit in it, too.  100% TRUE.  And pissed in it, yes. 

16.   Pineapple has no business on a pizza.  TRUE. I disagree but to each his own.

 __________________________________________________________

      And I still love her, good night,

   

   3 Fingers

 

A special message from HouseOfAnub

Nowhere we can fly away
Nowhere we can rest
The party is disrupted by
An uninvited guest

NP-1984

I am taking a sick day.  As VLV can attest, I am full of this hyper active snot that shoots out of these grotesque rough red holes in my face at super sonic rates that even Chuck effing Yeager would respect.  

It is with "cough", great joy, "sneeze", "hack", I bring you Mrs. Anub. She has a special view into the ying and yang of 3 Fingers.  She is the mother of 2 Anub children and only by the grace of good beer has she put up with me going on 20 years.  Without further ado, welcome HouseOfAnub! %^$#%$

______________________________________________________

Well here it goes… my first contribution to the now infamous 3 Fingers and Anub blog.  Compared to what you normally find here I can promise two differences: 1) Coherence and 2) Better spelling.  As I write this my poor husband (aka Anub) lies near death’s door on the couch suffering from what can best be described as a bad cold.  The only things keeping him going at this point are watching Tiger at Pebble Beach and Puffs Plus w/lotion.  I may have to have some “Save Anub” pins made up if things don’t look better soon.

After reading the random ramblings and odd videos that seem to be his bread and butter I thought a little pop quiz might be fun -- or at least somewhat entertaining.  The subject, of course, will be the fearless leader of this blog.  His faithful readers (there are at least two so I can make that plural) may think they know the real Anub, but do they really know him??  If you feel you already know too much, or as much as you would ever like to know, stop reading now. 

For the brave souls continuing on, grab a pen and paper and get ready… this could literally be the hardest quiz you’ve ever taken.

Part 1, Multiple Choice

1.       As a child he broke his leg doing which of the following:

A.      Sliding into home base and colliding with the catcher.

B.      Biking too fast downhill and getting his leg caught up in the spokes.

C.      Skiing + tree = ouch.

D.      Wrestling with his sister.

2.    If he was to overhear someone say Mondo sucks as a designer her would:

A.      Ignore it -- who the hell is Mondo?

B.      Disagree and point out how great Mondo is with prints.

C.      Pretend to ignore it, but on the inside curse that bitch who won instead of Mondo.

D.      Think about how he misses Tim and Heidi on All Stars this season.

3.      Which of the following swill would he find least objectionable:

A.      Miller Lite

B.       Bud Light

C.       Corona

D.      Busch

4.       Thanks to Netflix, he has watched every available episode of which of the following television series twice… and he thinks the kids watch too much TV:

A.      30 Rock

B.      The Wire

C.      Breaking Bad

D.      Arrested Development

5.       Ever the romantic, he proposed:

A.      At a Yankee game

B.      At a Rush concert

C.      In our basement

D.      Drunk in a bar

6.       Which of these teams almost ruined our wedding:

A.      The Yankees

B.      The Jets

C.      The Knicks

D.      The Blackhawks

7.       In his travels he has had numerous random celebrity encounters/sightings, which of these is not one of them:

A.      MC Hammer

B.      Bill Cosby

C.      Fred Savage

D.      The Hoff

E.       John F Kennedy, Jr.

8.      He pretends to loathe celebrity news and gossip, but reads what magazine on a regular basis:

A.      People

B.      Entertainment Weekly

C.      Us Weekly

D.      In Touch

9.      This chokes him up every time:

A.      Anyone sinking a putt on 18 to win

B.      Golfer hugging his dad on 18 at the US Open

C.      Yankees winning the World Series

D.      F*@%# Sanchez and the f*@%# Jets losing in the f*@%# AFC Championship game two f*@%# years in a row and then not even making the f*@%# playoffs the following f*@%# year.   F*@%# Brady.

E.       A, B & C.  D just f*@%# pisses him off.

Part 2, True or False

10.   He would rather watch an episode of Downton Abbey than go grocery shopping.

11.   His 6 year old son knows more about doing laundry than he does.

12.   He never gets flustered ordering at the drive thru.

13.   He thinks knitting is for old ladies.

14.   He thinks Harry Potter books are for kids.

15.   Not only does he think the glass is half empty, but that someone probably spit in it, too.

16.   Pineapple has no business on a pizza.

That should be plenty for now.  Post your answers in the Comment section and we’ll see which sorry soul knows the most about Anub besides me.  I’ll supply the correct answers in a couple of days, assuming of course that I’m not too busy distributing those “Save Anub” pins. 


________________________________________________________

Umm thanks!  

Good Night and "COUGH"

3 Fingers

The Caption Game, reader participation time

A picture book of the rivers
Under the Sahara

NP-1992

Ok gang, its photo time.  If you have IPAD you need to get the app exploreflickr, and The Eyewitness Guardian UK.  Awesome photography, and its fun to watch the photo's flip on the flickr app. Just trust me ok.  

Anyway, as I think about how bad my sinus' burn every time I visit Boulder, I decided on a new 3 Finger game.  Here are two photo's I saved from the Flickr App.  

This is where you come in:  Provide the caption.  Best caption on each photo wins a huge prize, my corporate lawyer tells me I can't print in public without a 4 page disclosure and disclaimer document, so just understand that it is huge.  HUGE.  GO AT IT FRIENDS, GIVE ME THE BEST YOU GOT!  Just add your caption in the comment section, give me your name (or stage name I know), and we will put the best captions in the next blog and let the people vote.  

And then there is this one:

Don't be shy, let em fly.  Love ya, 

3 Fingers

Socially unacceptable

Frozen in an everlasting view
Waiting for the world to end

NP-1977

Every bad 80's sitcom had a "Tonight on a very special..." episode. (Need proof, please Google Bicycle Man from Diff'rent Strokes, and cry yourself to sleep).  Well tonight is a very special episode of 3 Fingers. 

I swear, it always is innocent, and unfortunately we all get caught, deservedly or not.  It's so awkward when you try to play if off as if it didn't happen.  Please believe me when I tell you that I really hate it when it happens, I hate the uncomfortable non-verbal communication.  You know the clues you get when your caught (innocent or not). Look I'm short, I am clearly at a disadvantage when the situation ummm presents itself. Confused?  Larry David has the answer of course:

I think the bottom line is you can take all the views you want at the "Flat Irons", but when plots of land(s) are present just look away.  

Also for my non straight followers, this means you too, stop looking at my butt... as if you could!

By the way, this guy is an ass and is of no relation, and I do not endorse this in any way (except you know shamelessly putting in on my blog)

Randomness

A hearty "gesundheit" to my German project propaganda minister. Get well and stay away sicky.

I can think of absolutely no rational reason how a baby could be changed here.  It doesn't even work as a napkin.  What the hell is going on here?

This made me laugh and had to share:  (Thanks John R's Facebook page)

Looks like Spider-Man gave it all up and took the bus home. We're screwed.

 

 

 

 Good night and look away if at all possible,

 3 Fingers

THANK YOU

That was fun,

Thank you 3 Finger fans and followers.  We all enjoyed the chat, we all enjoyed the Pats losing a close game.  We enjoyed the facts that Giselle has ruined Tom Brady.  We enjoy each other, we enjoy life. Thanks, see you next week for more randomness!  Love everyone,

3 Fingers

3 Fingering the SB, chat it up!

DIRECTV you suck, and oops I deleted

For I have dined on honey dew
And drunk the milk of Paradise

NP 1978

I blame the Crown.  Yesterday I wrote about a special memory from my youth, me and Pop Pop, Iron Sheik, Mr. Fuji, Piper's Pit, and the evil Reagan hating Nikoli Volkoff.  To 12 year old 3 finger it was real as peanut butter on an apple.  Yet somehow the 39 year old 3 finger went to the Crown and came home and fat finger deleted the post. It was as if the Crown poured something so delicious that it could erase memories.  Damn them, dammmmmn them all to hell.

Oh well, perhaps I will rekindle that memory later. However, first things first. DIRECTV you are about to receive a very sternly written 3 Fingered letter.  We're all familiar with that the little red ScoreGuide button right? You know it appears in the bottom right corner of the screen when you go on a sports station, you click it and out pops a little screen that allows you to scroll through different sport options to find scores.  But it DOESN'T WORK.  And it's ruining my life!

Look I'm old.  I can't stay up to watch the Hawks get slaughtered in Edmonton.  Last night when I shut these beautiful dreamy eyes it was 4-3 Oilers.  At 6:00 a.m. I wake up pop on the telly (say it in a deep British accent, grab yourself and be glad you're an American, just trust me), and that bright little red button appears on my screen promising me I will see the EFFFING scores from last nights hockey game.

BUT NO!!  I get TODAY'S schedule.  Look I know they are playing in Calgary tonight, I ALREADY KNOW THAT, what I don't know is the scores from last night.  I know I could flip on the Ipad and get the score, or I could, and I shudder even as I type this, I could wait for the scroll on ESPN.  What are we in the Stone Ages?

DIRECTV you suck, fix this atrocity.  FIX IT NOW.  Do not get 3 fingers angry, no one likes an angry 3 fingers.  All you have to do is add a little toggle that says "Previous", and "Upcoming".  FIX it DIRECTV, fix it now.

Randomness:

This week we have had no less than 45 minutes of arguing over the merits of:

I say delicious change of texture in any dish, but some say worthless.  This is an important topic people.  Please weigh in.

 Why is she trending today?

My Super Bowl prediction is coming soon... but first I leave you with this little nugget of a frightened turtle!

FYI, go follow @Ironsheik on twitter.  It is dirty, filthy, and hilarious.  My German project propaganda minister is angry today, and it is making me laugh.

Good day, and go fudge yugo's

3 Fingers

The LOGO is Revealed

And you-Revolution or just resistance?
Is it living, or just existence?

NP- 1984

Happy Rush Day to all 2-1-12.  So happy to be alive, and to worship at the feet of the holy Triumvirate.

Leading to the unveiling of the new, and may I say EFFING INCREDIBLE 3 Fingers blog logo, I had written a very odd story.

It started out in the year 2112 with a lengthy soul searching erotic journey from Milan to Minsk.  This naturally led to the rise of a new super pac of crazed Anubs. As if you didn't know what would happen next, that incited a bloody revolution and the eventual take over of our beloved Cockikstan.  Who would fill the suddenly large power (Dyson) vacuum?!  

None other than the Oracle.  A light so powerful, so odd, so... wait for it...................    so NUB-like.

However, after a few malty concoctions, even I didn't get it.

Too bad, it was quite an interesting read of our hero; an angry project manager with a slight dusting of a German accent.  It was amazing to read of him digging his trenches, building his propaganda machine, and slowly being crushed by the staggering rare beauty of a red head. That whole story might just have to wait until the statute of limitations wears off.

Regardless, I am "literally" peeing myself with excitement over the new 3 Fingers and a Nub logo.  Thanks to my propaganda minister, this wonderful shield will forever adorn this blog.  Trust me, in the end, just follow the nub, and all will be ok. 

I will be making shirts with this logo.  Right now the design is going to be a Jersey.  On the front the 3 Fingered logo, and the back the players name is: GFY.  Assuming I don't get sued, this is GOLD JERRY, GOLD!

Attention all Planets of the Solar Federation
We have assumed control.
We have assumed control.
We have assumed control.

Randomness:

I put my belt on this morning and I lost a hole.  Do you know how depressing that is?  I'm getting fat. Damnit I need pizza and beer to feed my dispair.

I miss Desmond, a fitting "BROTHA" tribute:

My sister's chickens laid their first egg.  I wish I was making that up. 

Good Night and Good Vibrations!

3 Finger