Tribute to a legend, Jerry HELLO!

When I heard that he was gone
I felt a shadow cross my heart

NP-1993

Dear readers, we are at the crux of a anniversary.  Or I as I like to call it a sadaversary.  Almost a year ago we lost a legend of the screen, a giant of the industry, a heir to Hollywood's Mt. Rushmore.  Instead of hanging our head and sobbing uncontrollably, let's just pay tribute. I give you Len Lesser, or as we knew him best, Uncle Leo.

He is an old man and confused, but god we loved him so:

 

Crying softly into my pillow,

3 Fingers

You asked for it!

In the hot dry rasp of the devil winds
Who cares what a fool believes?

NP -2007

Very excited to unsheathe, unleash, um unzip, the very first 3 Fingers mailbag.  You asked on Facebook and Twitter and Anub responds. Quite frankly we're all a bit afraid of where this is going to go.  While some of these questions are beyond even the nubs brilliance, we have consulted a Patriot repeatedly for answers.  I have looked deeply into the bottom of this Patriots soul and found answers.

 Which leads to our first question:

Q: What is your take on the Super Bowl? 

 From: vicarious-living-vicariously.blogspot.com , VLV, Double Tree, IN

I love bowling, and the Super Bowl is a great place to do it.  I just wish I had a pinky or I might dominate the LPBA.

Eff the Patriots, I hate with all my nub that hoody wearing no defense playing former (for 1 whole hour) Jets coach.  And I sit with a tingly nub dreaming that Justin Tuck will do dirty dirty things to that pretty boy model loving super QB's knee.  Justin please channel Bernard Pollard, please! Just look at it, I think it moved!

Q: Riddle me this.....Why is it called "common sense" if it isn't all that common?  

From: White Pants, Crown Point, IN 

The only answer to this complex question is to ask the following:

Q: What's the best way of dealing with a needy mid-sized coworker that keeps sucking your brain?

From: A confused German. Los Angeles, CA

Mid-sized, jesus check your glasses, the last time someone mistook me for mid-sized I was 40 pounds heavier.   As for sucking your brain, you're full of great German beer, you're lucky that I only suck your brain. What a minute... umm retraction... DELETE, DELETE!@#*%*!.  Ficke dei henna!

Q: Why the heck did they cancel/end the following shows: 1) Arrested Development 2) Entourage 3) Flash Forward

From: PMP, Chase Building, Merrillville, IN

People are stupid, they like stupid things because they don't have to think. I have no idea how Arrested Development wasn't more popular, it was pretty brilliant and 3 seasons was not enough.  As for the other two I can only answer with the following:

Q: Why does society frown upon strangling your children when they obviously were lying when asked "You didn't take your iPod to school, right?". After all, I did bring her into this world.
From: Sincerely, No jail time, NIPSCO, IN

MORE WINE, MORE CHEESE, wait why is Matt Blissmer the OG ANUB in my hotel room? What is going on!  Sorry peyote flash back.  You are allowed to strangle your kids if they lie to you.  That's right G reading over my shoulder, you lie these massive 8 fingers will take you down!

Q: Leslie Nielsen or Lisa Leslie?

From: White Chocolate, Lake Station, IN

Hmm,  Anub chooses:

Q: If you were a hotdog, would you eat yourself?    

From: A poor bastard going to the Barrister Ball, Munster, IN

I've got the golden ticket answer right here:

Q: I would like to hear your thoughts on how Blackhawks fans are going to handle it when the Red Wings take their beloved hockey team out of the playoffs?

From: A sad aging Michigan Fan, Ann Arbor, MI

Two words: Pavel DatSOUP, besides why would you want to make this little boy cry?

Q: What is the meaning of life? 

From: A chick who was so much cooler before she moved to the city, Chicago, IL

According to Wikipedia The meaning of life is a concept that provides an answer to the philosophical question concerning the purpose and significance of life or existence in general. 

 

Yeah right, I always thought it was this:

 

 

Q: WWPVWD

From: A very white North Dakotan, Frankfurt, IL

If you know please tell us dear leader.  I know he would try to stay out of Catraz:

 Whew, that was fun, now back to the NHL skills challenge, and setting my alarm to watch Tiger try to win in Abu Dahbi.  Yes, I am one exciting guy.

Good night and GFY,

3 Fingers

The best call ever, Alabama why?

Complicate Me - Animate Me

NP -1993

Quick hit today, this is too good not to share.  Listen to this announcer call this soccer goal.  I can't tell if this guy is a passionate Star Trek Fan, is having an emotional breakdown or is simply overwhelmed by the sheer majesty of some guy who can kick a ball past a guy trying to stop a ball.  He is out of his Vulcan Mind! I want this guy to call golf.

http://deadspin.com/5878249/lionel-messis-hat-trick+finishing-goal-brought-announcer-ray-hudson-to-orgasm 

Not as good a call, but I want my son to perfect this!

COMING ATTRACTIONS:

Have you ever noticed that videos orginating in Alabama have the most hits on You Tube.  I will explore and report, but to get you started...

3 Fingers

Let's get Ready to Leyva, AND Guest Blogger!

rising falling at force ten
we twist the world and ride the wind

NP-1987

Strut that ASS (trust me Youtube search it, smile and move on) because the nub is tingling (ok that is gross) with new brain dumps.  Very happy that we hit a personal goal of page views but now is not the time to rest, now is the time to explode, and go for the it. How big you might ask?  Let's just say Legal Zoom and a TM are not far away. I still need a sophisticated logo maker and we will make our first product... the world awaits, Anub twitches.  

This place was created as a way to brain dump, and expand our angry horizons.  TONIGHT we experience a step in that direction as we introduce our first ever guest blogger "White Chocolate SB".  She brings it in more ways than one (HR HELLO!).  I welcome all the faithful to present copy to be a part of the 3 Fingers brand, White Chocolate has set a high standard, but I know you all can do it, so look me up and bring it.  

Let's start tonight with our esteemed guest, and then dive into why 3fingersandanub puts random to shame. White Chocolate!

Indecision over the Leap Second is f*cking my life. 

How, how else can all this madness be explained? You see, just this week, members of the International Telecommunications Union (ITU) have again postponed a decision on whether to abolish the Leap Second, and analysts say the topic will likely be tabled until 2015.

WHAT? Another 3 years? Do you know what havoc this indecisiveness has wreaked on my life?

I present to you a few scenarios that have clear and evident ties back to the Leap Second, and the turmoil over its existence. For you “fact-based marketers,” click here http://www.mb.com.ph/articles/349204/leap-second-may-live  to an article on the subject. For you blind followers, read on for my very scientific and accurate assessment.

1.       My clocks all read different times. Well, most of them (READ: those dependent upon humans to program them).

a.       I noticed today that my microwave and oven clocks are two, yes two huge minutes different. How could this happen? Only one explanation. The Leap Second is having an identity crisis over public indecision to let it live on in peace or end its life. Wouldn’t you be acting out too? So, maybe I should just reset them. But that would take too much time.

2.       Radio commercials don’t make sense.

a.       Since when do 48-hour sales last more than 48 hours? Since the Leap Second decided it was tired of being put on the backburner. How else can you explain the commercial I heard this morning for the Wilderness Lodge and their “48-hour sale”… which ends Sunday. Huh? What is today? It is Wednesday, right? So…. I’m no rocket genius here, but… that’s more than a 48-hour sale. Curses Leap Second!

3.       I’m losing huge chunks of time.

a.       Where did this week go already? It’s half over? I don’t remember that. Wasn’t I supposed to start a FB page for my business, reach out to potential clients, and work on a contract? Mop the floors and finish up laundry? Call a few friends and family members I haven’t talked to in a while? Pick up birthday gifts and yes, actually a few Christmas gifts for folks I was supposed to see last month? Damn you Leap Second! What are you doing to all my time?

4.       My little one is barreling toward her first birthday.

a.       No. way. My little baby, my little girl, will be one year old next month? How could this happen? Wasn’t she just hanging out in my tummy? Didn’t I just hold her in my arms for the first time? Didn’t she just smile for the first time? Roll over? Sit up? Stand? Crawl? The leap second has rushed me through an amazing, whirlwind, best year of my life. But leap second, I need more time… more time with my little girl…

All of this thinking about time… my lack of it… my misuse of it… my coveting more of it… got me asking the question: What would you do with more time? Less time? Isn’t the answer to both of those questions the same?

For me it is. So that’s why today, I’m going to take a second, maybe even a leap second, maybe even a few seconds, to do three things:

1.       Appreciate and love my friends and family.

2.       Advance my career dreams.

3.       Take better care of me, so I can have more time… to misuse. To covet. To live.

I couldn’t wrap up a guest blog post to Anub, without a tribute to the show that’s made topics like these so much fun to ponder. Humbly, I present to you, the  Summer of George.

Special shout out to Anub and VLV, for inspiring me to write.

Thanks White Chocolate, but the guantlet has been thrown dear readers, bring it or sit on the effing sidelines your whole life. Your choice!

RANDOM RANTS!

Lite FM is run by communists!

As I was sitting in my dentist chair today, I heard the very popular Kid Rock song "All Summer Long".  (Yes on lite FM, Kid shudders).

Here are the lyrics: "while we were trying different things we were smoking funny things making love out by the lake to our favorite song drinking whiskey out the bottle not thinking bout tomorrow singing sweet old Alabama all night long"  

I shit you not, they bleeped out the word "SMOKING"!  So wait it is OK to drink whiskey out of the bottle and screw in sweet old Alabama, but SMOKING funny things is bleeped!?  What are lite FM listeners being protected from?  Is this the left or the right of the political spectrum making these calls?  I "literally" spit at the hygienist when I heard the bleep.  Sorry sweet hygienist, that was uncool.

I am a loser and my wife thinks I am a dumb ass!

This morning my wife gave me a compliment.  It was stated in a way that gave me a little twinge of "hey if you play your cards right, tonight we ride!".  So off I go full of self confidence to Walgreen's to buy some mints so the office isn't always subjected to my 19th cup of coffee breath.  As I headed back to the car I made the startling realization that I locked the car and didn't have my keys.

Thought 1: I left the car running with keys in ignition - no not that dumb
Thought 2: I put them in my bag as I do each day heading into the office and locked the car, no not that dumb
Thought 3: Hell if I know, so I called home and ask for a bailout

It was cold so I walked back into the drug store and the douche behind the counter reaches out and hands me my keys. Now I have to hurry and call home, only to get told I am a dumbass.  SO wait, that asshole knew I left my keys on the counter and made zero effort to walk out the door and hand them to me before I had to call home and announce that I am lame to a woman who just proclaimed I looked good?  REALLY?

Let me get this straight we can make a tin can carrying hundreds of tons fly 600 miles an hour across the world, but we can't stop lazy stupid people from ruining my chances at nub rub time.  That just makes me sad.


I leave you tonight with the epitome of why 80's "heavy" metal is so fun to re-watch.  This has everything, tongue wagging, guitar slamming, hair, lights, and the "SCREAM" of rock and roll.  So bad, yet so good. Enjoy, good night, and be sad that I'll be lonely.

3 Fingers

Stereotypical Behaivor

What you say about his company
Is what you say about society.
-Catch the mist -Catch the myth
-Catch the mystery -Catch the drift.

NP-1980

 
Not sure exactly where this post is going tonight. I am sensing a bit of hate as my head feels like Mark Twain and Peter Dinklage are waging an epic war over Twain's desire to write a novel about a little hairy person at a pie eating/frog jumping contest and Peter is royally pissed about how Twain keeps calling him a short m-effing elf with white mans jumping ability. 

Also, as a Jet fan, seeing the NY Giants and NE Patriots standing at the end of a long NFL season makes me want to scream.  Look I know I am jerk, I know I am not "sensitive", I know I have potential to crop dust around the cubicles, but I don't deserve this.  I deserve more, I just do.  Wait what is this salty discharge?

Or it could be that my wife shared with me a major news report about the rise in kids with concussions from youth hockey.  Sure hope G isn't embarrassed when I send him out in his new bubble wrap uni.

I want to create a "Threadless" shirt logo for my future 3 Fingers inc. brand. I need someone with some artistic talent to illustrate my photo, create a logo, and we will try to get it sold on Threadless.com.  I 'll split the revenue with you, but I get full rights to the logo when I go large, know what I'm saying?  So if you are so inclined please share with me your artistic talent.  Just remember the nub is the star.

Quick rant on politics.  Is this it?  Newt? Mitt?  and Barack? Has there ever been a more odd collection of names running for President?  With the names I have seen my contemporaries throwing out there, I fear these 3 names are just the tip of the iceberg.  The 2042 elections might be contested by Ja'Mes, Savannah (first ever former stripper candidate), Aiden, Kaylee, or Jaquizz. Seriously concerned.


Randomness:

I watch Project Runway.  I am not ashamed.  I am all about Haute Couture.  The stuff they come up with in a short period of time makes me ashamed for how lame I am. Aint he pretty?

Better advice than this, I think not (sorry for the crude language kiddies):

Here is something I have been "literally" noodlin on.  (White Chocolate just threw up in her mouth). I am convinced that the population can be stereotypically categorized simply by asking "Do you like Leno, or Letterman".  I know that this argument will date me a bit because most people under 35 have no idea who either of those people are.   


Below is a rough draft of some things I was thinking about.  But it needs help, your help.  So please contribute.


If  you like Leno you stereotypically also like this:

Drink: Pepsi, Mountain Dew, Peach Schnapps, Mochachino


Car: Nothing Asian, German, muscle cars


Music: Top 40, Adult contemporary, stuff that makes you think you are hip, but are so lame you don't even know it.

Marital Status: Married, but love to talk about strippers you have never seen and big plots of land!

Food: Fast, butter and cheese filled, boring.


Domesticated Pets: Dogs with sweaters, and you own magnets with cats on them


Political leanings: Right, but you support gay marriage, and power at all costs


Church: Catholic Creasters (Christmas and Easter only, but you act pious all the time)


Favorite TV Show: Friends, The OReilly Factor, NCIS, Two and Half Men, and if there was a 24 hour Law and Order or Murder She Wrote station you may never leave.



If you like Letterman you stereotypically like this:

Drink: Coke, Seltzer Water, dirty Martini's with blue cheese olives


Car: Hybrids, taxi, or you ride a bike


Music: Rap, Modern County, and Hard Rock. You probably like a band and follow them closely

Marital Status: Married but you make it sound bad to your friends cause you think it makes you
sound cool


Food: Could be a vegan, a prick about variety and freshness, and you're an unbelievable fruit snob.


Domesticated Pets: Dogs who track mud in the house, and you think cats are gay


Political Leanings: Left, but you are extremely fiscally conservative, and you crave power at all costs.


Church: No thank you

Favorite TV Show: Seinfeld, Daily Show, Colbert Report, Breaking Bad, Sherlock, and you secretly wish you had a YUUUUP truck


This needs work, a lot of work.  Please help a 3 fingered nub ridden dim witted brother out.

Stop reading if you don't want seriousness, or keep reading if you need to fall asleep reading about my favorite historical figure: John Adams. An essential read is David McCullough's John Adams. http://www.amazon.com/John Adams Adams had so much foresight about what Government could and should do, and what it shouldn't. Today I feel like we still fight over the same things, and today the greed, the riches spent trying to acquire power, and the hatred between us is at an all-time high.  Adam's believed this:

"Religion, superstition, oaths, education, laws, all give away before passions, interests, and power... Was there, or will there ever be a nation whose individuals were all equal, in natural and acquired qualities, in virtues, talents, and riches? The answer in all mankind must be in the negative"  McCullough writes that Adams was not so concerned about a President staying in office too long, but that frequent elections often brought out the worst in people and led to increased chances of foreign influence. 

Of course he never envisioned what our political campaigns would look like and the utter depravity surrounding them, but damn was he right.  So if I had a say, 1 term 7 years, elections were no longer than 4 months and you can't raise funds.  We set aside money for elections, and when we get to 3 candidates they split the money equally, voting is all done online.

I miss people who actually gave a crap like John Adams.


Good Night and enjoy your life because the Illinois Lottery is trying to kill you.

3 Fingers

George Costanza "Get Social"

Listen to my music
And hear what it can do
There's something here as strong as life
I know that it will reach you.

NP-1974

So what happened?  The case of the missing post!  I will chalk it up to a case of the Costanza's.  It was Thursday night, which means Crown Brew 1/2 price pint night.  It would be rude to not make a quick visit.  I did, I sampled, I came home, I typed what I thought was a solid blog post that dove into life, social networking, politics, and my favorite subject George.  But then suddenly I reread it to confirm the last sip of Mickey's big mouth didn't translate into something so offensive I would need handcuffs, and I realized I may have used a name that I was not comfortable putting into print for posterity.  So I went to edit, and edit to this dumb ass accidentally became delete.  What did I say that I was unhappy with?  Well that is for my nub to know and lunch with colleagues to find out.

Disappointment.  Anger.  Frustration. Porn.  These emotions raged through me because part of the reason for this blog is for me to have a brain dump.  Translate the "WHAAA?" to a piece of writing, video, or photographic memory.  Oh well lesson learned.  SLUBA.  I will try again.

I'm convinced that Larry David was so ahead of his time that he wrote the character of George Costanza as if he knew Twitter would exist one day.  If you study GC (I have, after all I think I have turned into him), you will find his rants would translate into the 140 character world we allowed to exist.  George would have excelled in the world of Twitter, and he would have been thrown in jail on Facebook. Serenity NOW!

Let's face it both Twitter and Facebook have either ruined or enhanced our existence. Nobody really cares about anyone, but for some reason we post it for the world to see.  We have stopped letter writing, picking up the phone, and in many cases actually talking to anyone.  I can't remember the last social event I have been where at least one person wasn't on a device and well not being very social. Case in point when I walked in tonight I had one kid on her itouch, one on ipad, and the other on the laptop.  All in the same room, and no one talking to each other.  Good for human kind or the ruin of humankind?  Can't decide.  I do know that George Costanza would find a way to rant about it funny multiple 140 character limit rants each day. 

For example its 5:00 am, here are the first few twitter posts I have:

cnnbrk CNN Breaking News

6 Americans likely dead in Afghan copter crash, ISAF source says.

UncleDynamite Uncle Dynamite

I can't imagine the horror of being a woman & having Ron Paul, MD poking around my cervix, cheerfully reciting infant mortality statistics.

 

JennyJohnsonHi5 Jenny Johnson

Remember the guy from your high school who's nickname was Hollywood? Well Hollywood still lives with his mom.


Is this good for me?  Is this good for anyone?  I don't know, but I do know George would would love it, HE WOULD LOVE ITTTT!

Many times throughout the last 20 years I have been told I resemble George.  I may have his tendencies, I am short, I am bad and almost everything, I am often slow and dim witted, but I am NOT BALD.  Jesus ask dirty Dergs, I have a wonderful pinkish hue and you can run your fingers through this mane!

Regardless there is not a situation that Seinfeld/George had that doesn't relate to our lives, especially the hours we spend in the office.  For example:

When the topic over lunch goes to a place it shouldn't but we are so glad it did:

When someone (same person who may or may not have said Larry David wrote Arrested Development) boasts about something and looks like an ass:

Or my favorite of all time, George exemplifying the problems of wanting one thing, but you just can't have it.

Randomeness:

Very sad to see the death of Sarah Burke.  We enjoyed watching her at X Games.  But unfortunately it was bound to happen in a sport where the only things to do are to go faster, higher, and harder.  I was disappointed to turn on ESPN and within minutes of the scroll saying she died they ran an ad for Winter X Games.  Ugly timing.

How excited am I to go to work this morning:?

How excited am I to never ever ever eat anything on a stick again?

How excited am I that Alabama Brown Snake is part of our lives?

That's it for today, more soon. But remember visit your local brew pubs, they make it for you, and only you. And remember you can always edit/delete your posts, but crazy last forever.

Good morning and good luck, 

3 Finger

Eli on a boat scoring

As I type this horseshoe in his keester QB, Eli just caught another huge break and completes a Hail effing Mary! The stat of never having all 8 home teams win in the first 2 weeks of playoffs is in serious, SERIOUS danger.  Apparently Tebow told God to touch Eli today.  (not in that way you goobers).  In one guys career how often do you get this in big big moments?

I am not a cruise guy.  I find the thought of being trapped on a boat for days at a time with people  I don't know, don't want to know and being forced to pay silly prices for alcohol is against my religion. But knowing that even today this could happen, well, yeah not happening. Ever.

5:00 AM hit me hard this morning.  Used to be that if I decided as I did yesterday to watch 6 hours of football, imbibe a bit, and eat like I was 20 I could get up and be a champ.  I am old now, and that just doesn't work.  I would like to formally apologize to my downstairs toilet.

Still can't get over how Ice time is so precious that it forces these young kids and hungover dads to get up at  the old people brunch hour.  Fascinates me my son can pop right up to get going for practice that early, Tuesday morning for school, no chance.

Today I got to see the little bits of improvement that you hope to see for the effing investment of time and money.  On position, short ice 4 on 4 drills, G man played his wing position like a savvy vet, got to the circle and fired scoring 2 huge goals.  In the 2 goalie drill he battled.  Coaches give out medals to the player who practiced or played the hardest. Every kid and coach to a man/kid unanimously voted for G.  He was beaming. Its the little things like that that make kids grow, and parents proud.


Randomness:

I can take no credit for this as I read this on the awesome You Tube Hall of Fame blog on Grantland.  But this video from 1984 is so comical, it must be shared.  Gives whole new meaning to "The Stroke"

Most anticipated show coming up? Deadliest Catch:

Amazing how a show that is really nothing more than meatheads on a boat pulling up cages of crabs always keeps me intrigued.


Justified is coming back soon.  It is sooo good. Please watch!

Saw this again today, and I think it moved Jerry!

The Bad Band Island Game

Begin the day
Wth a friendly voice,
A companion, unobtrusive
Plays the song that's so elusive
And the magic music makes your morning mood - NP 1979

Nothing can be worse than the horror that struck me as I walked into the house tonight.  My ears were violated, they needed a sexual safe word.  That's right Man Eater, the worst song ever put on vinyl or tape.  Man Eater. Oh my god, oh my god.

Music like religion and politics causes so many irrational arguments and its quite personal.  For example, I am a Rush fanatic, but I know that most people think Geddy sounds like a cat kicked in the balls.  I get it, but the following list is indisputable.   These 'popular' big selling rock bands suck.  Their fans suck, they have epic bad songs, and Kreba has suggested we round all their fans up and put them on one island where they can listen to this crapfest without me.

Welcome to Bad Band Island.

#10 Meatloaf

Not technically a band, but get over it. The only redeeming factor of 'Paradise by the Dashboard Lights' is my old friend Scooter Rizzuto doing some play by play.  Have ever actually listened to Bat out of Hell?  Hell no.  And 'I Would Do Anything for Love (but I won't do that), is my sexual safe word.


#9 Bon Jovi

I struggled with this one, I can listen to 'Wanted Dead or Alive' without throwing up, but I need Pepto.  Seriously I can't figure out how they made it out of Jersey.  If JBJ wasn't good looking they wouldn't even exist.

#8 The Eagles

You remember being a kid and listening to music in the car with your parents and kind of digging it.  Then you get older and go, when the hell did I ever like this? That is the Eagles.  I never realized how incredibly lame they are, and creatively bankrupt. 'Life In the Fast Lane', 'Witchy Woman" are two of the top 100 worst songs ever.  Sorry Don Henley, but I bet if pressed even Farbman would say Desperado sucks.

#7 Nickleback

Do I need to say anything.  If you like them you're a commie.


#6 Journey

I had a college roommate who 'literally' played 'Wheel in the Sky' everyday when I would get home from class. Then I move to Chicago, and for some reason the Sox adopt 'Don't stop Believin' I don't believe anyone seriously likes this band. They make me cry. 


#5 Kiss

How can you not just laugh at them. No words can describe their fans.


#4 Creed

I have farts that smell better than this band.  Back when MTV actually played videos there was not a 2 hour gap when this POS band didn't have a video on.  Truly horrific, in fact they are Nicklebackesque.


# 3 Poison

The finest example of what went wrong in the late 80's.  Glam rock, who the hell thought this was a good idea.  Unskinny Bop was popular, think about that, women to this day still swoon over Bret Michaels.  Euthanize them.

# 2 Steve Miller Band

Name me one college or high school party that at some point didn't play 'Fly like and Eagle, or 'Take the Money and Run', or the pathetic 'Joker', midnight toker my ass.  But they rise to #2 because this band released the following song. There is no excuse, they sat down, wrote the music and allowed these lyrics to be sung.  Don't blame me, they did it:

#1 Hall and Oates

I refuse to believe anyone actually likes these guys.  They both look like they spent time in Penn State showers (too soon?), and created at least 15 horrible popular songs.  I can't believe how hard it was to pick the video to show to prove the point, but let's just start here:

So let me have it, where did I go right, and wrong, and more importantly who should be on the list?

Fire away!



3 Finger!

Moons, Fat People, Sarcasm or Dick?, Mitt

"Young enough not to care too much
About the way things used to be
I'm young enough to remember the future -
The past has no claim on me

I'm old enough not to care too much
About what you think of me
But I'm young enough to remember the future
And the way things ought to be"  NP 1993

As I was driving home tonight and saw this huge winter moon glowing brightly out my windshield, it felt so close it was as if I could reach out and grab it.  It was intoxicating, inviting, and mystifying.  Why is it there, what is it doing messing with the tides and menstrual cycles?  As I stared at that huge white orb, I was able to put aside the stress of our indefinite future and just let the music blare and my brain go blank.  I forgot about work, forgot about not having enough money, forgot about the stress of parenting two little kids who need you in every way possible, and basically let every little nag that sits on my brain, the ones that force me to stare at the ceiling looking at the red lights that say 3:13 AM and shout out  "you're going to be a loser if you don't do something now, so why bother sleeping asshole?"  Basically I need more moons. 

**So why is it that fat people who are out in public refuse to wear big clothes, and force us to see their gross fat spill out of spandex?  Look I was a bit of tub for about 3 years.  I had this notion that if I drank beer every day and ate lots of pizza I could become a perfect human circle.  But even in my fattest state, I just bought bigger clothes to hide my fatty embarrassment.  

What I saw Saturday at the Merrillville Target (my favorite French superstore) was a collection of people who had stock in spandex.  Did they mistake Target for a Zoomba class.  As if they could do one of those sexy hip shakes without throwing up last nights double chocolate 2 million calorie frappafuckingchino.  Stop it people, take some pride in yourself, and if you can't lose the weight, just cover yourself up with about 4 sizes bigger.  Thanks from all of us. 

**Question, can sarcasm cross over the line to nothing but being a pure dick?  You be the judge.  My wife kids and I were heading into the city.  We had to re-velcro the IPass on the windshield.  About a 1/2 hour in, while she was dealing with the 450th "mom" request from the back seat dumpster children, the velcro gave way and the IPass dropped to the floor in a loud clutter.  My poor wife then said the following fateful words "Was that the IPass?"  Now I had 2 choices:

1. Just be a nice guy and say, "yeah it fell down".  - or -

2. Say something sarcastic.

I chose 2.  "No hon we were just hit by a syphilitic mildly retarded rooster who busted through the windshield in a vieled attempt to show off to his lady friend".  Dick or sarcasm?  

**Mitt Romney won't be president. That is all.

I am starting to wonder if the bump in my head will start talking to my nub.  I wonder what they will say to each other.  Super Pac unite!

3 Finger

Welcome to my World

And so it begins...

The download of my brain, filtered, unfiltered, boring, average, fun, stupid, your stupid, insipid, sarcastic, smart, horny, non-chemically induced, short, tall, latte, fantasy inclined, weather slave, fan, married, old fat, money reluctant, dad.

I don't know what this is going to be yet, but I want a place to rant, to speak, to just let it go.  I have a few things to explain:

1. I have 3 fingers with a nub where a pinky should be.  Yes I could of had it removed when I was young.  Why didn't my parents remove it, I don't know, but I will never have it removed now.  After all I couldn't name my blog Anub without it. It is gross, and it may talk in future posts.  It is part of a world famous rub (What waahhh).  It may bring me money, it may become more famous than Little Jerry. It may just be skin.
2. If I talk about my kids, get over it.
3. I may be offensive, get over it. My grammar sucks; get over it.
4. If I give advice, take it, or why the fuck else would I give it?
5. Share, publish, go crazy, but let's all be friends, and keep legal out of this.
6. I am a politically neutral, and a hypocrite, get over it.
7. I may rant about organized religion, get over it.
8. I will not talk about my work in anyway other than funny stories.
9. I have issues, I know, since I was young my friends and now my wife always say "you have issues".  Well, I got over it.

There that should cover it.  So let's go shall we. 

Today, hockey in the garage with G, and some quality time on the couch with my hand in my pants. So when I catch my son with his hand on his junk, what am I supposed to do, I know why, I know that in 7 years I may have to stop him from it, but isn't he just aping me?  God I may have to change my life.

Little does he know I will score on him at will, that's right dad doesn't lose:

A brief view of my essential websites:
adamcarolla.com -his podcast is essential listening.  In fact his rants may inspire a few of mine

grantland.com  - essential reading, this is what sports/pop culture writing is about on the internet.
fantasyguru.com



Other peoples blogs I know about and you should too.  More to follow when I actually waste more time looking.

http://vicarious-living-vicariously.blogspot.com/
He is a terrible golfer.  That is all you need to know.

http://kimberliblog.blogspot.com/ 
another friend, she is nice, she likes mud

http://www.nofo.blogspot.com/
First blog I ever read that made me understand why you have a blog, not to promote peoples products (but gee have you ever visited directbuy.com) but to write, to share emotion, to laugh, to just be.